


Angst

by kafrickinboom



Series: Voltron WLW Month [15]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/F, Genderbending, Heartbreak, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Shklance, VLD WLW Month, Voltron WLW Month 2017, pre-season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 14:29:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11807856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafrickinboom/pseuds/kafrickinboom
Summary: Landa gets it, you know? She gets why Kath had chosen Shiro, and Shiro had chosen Kath, and neither had chosen her in the end.





	Angst

**Author's Note:**

> I hated writing this one. I prefer rollercoasters of emotion to pure angst haha. I hope those of you masochists out there like my little heartbreak fic <3

Landa gets it, you know? She gets why Kath had chosen Shiro, and Shiro had chosen Kath, and neither had chosen her in the end.

Shiro’s  _ beautiful. _ Even with the shit the Galra did to her over the year they had her in captivity, she’s still arguably the most beautiful woman- no,  _ person in general- _ in the room. She’s strong and already capable of things Landa would never be. She’s understanding and warm and a natural-born leader. She’s a commanding presence even when she’s not actively guiding them through their missions. She’s smarter, taller, more compassionate, more respectful, more humble, just objectively  _ better _ than Landa in pretty much every capacity that matters. She’s a goal Landa had never been able to reach no matter how hard she worked for it and no matter how far she stretched herself thin just to try and graze it with her fingertips.

And  _ Kath. _ God, Kath is a force to be reckoned with on her own. She’s the physical incarnation of passion, fire and perseverance. She knows what she wants and she works hard to get them. She’s just as beautiful as Shiro, her long hair swinging in the most distracting of ways when she trains, when she fights, when she walks. She’s grown so much in the time between becoming a Paladin and now, a maturity settling onto her shoulders like perfectly fit pauldrons. It suited her well, her confidence blooming as she learned what it meant to be  _ her. _ She’s unbelievably strong, having gone through so much shit in her life, growing up in the foster system, being kicked out of the Garrison, learning she’s half-Galra. 

Landa… Landa is none of that. Sure, she’s good for a laugh and some levity, but she’s not stunningly beautiful like either of the raven-haired beauties she loves. Regardless of their empty reassurances, she knows she’s not nearly as smart as either of them, or like any of the rest of the team for that matter. She’s passionate about her bayard, which is kinda cool, she supposes, but she doesn’t have a  _ thing. _ She’s kind of a lost soul, not really having a set place in her mind. She’s not strong, more prone to breaking down and crying in her room when things don’t go her way...like she is now. She’s absolutely the weakest link in just about every aspect of her life- her friends, her family, her team. She’s just there to complete the set.

So, when Landa had worked up the nerve to ask Kath and Shiro if there was any way they could ever see a future where Landa was involved, and Kath had replied with, “someone will love you, but that someone isn’t either of us” in that soft but blunt way she dealt harsh blows, with Shiro shrugging apologetically beside her, Landa  _ understood. _

That doesn’t mean that she’s not dying on the inside, and that doesn’t mean she feels like she’s been kicked in the chest. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to go back out there and pretend everything is fine. Maybe if she cries until she physically can’t anymore, it won’t be so bad. Maybe someday she won’t feel abject mortification when she thinks about Kath’s words like a cherry bomb to all of Landa’s hope, or when she thinks of Shiro’s sympathetic expression like pity to eat away at the last vestiges of Landa’s self-esteem.

She’s been in her room for long enough now that she’s lost count of the days. She doesn’t really come out for anything other than to shower when everyone else is asleep, and to train between the hours of 3 and 5am, when she knows Shiro will have gone to bed beforehand and before Kath rises to do her early morning training. 

Landa comes out for missions, of course, but she ducks any and all possibility of Shiro and Kath actually seeing her. She’s gotten  _ fast. _ She can get dressed and into her Lion’s hangar before any of the rest of the team. She’s also learned patience, staying inside Blue’s cockpit when the others come looking for her afterward. 

She only responds to direct orders when they battle in the Lions or formed as Voltron, even when her heart lurches every time she ignores them when Shiro asks if she’s okay, when Kath tries to rouse her into more “rivalry” banter, when they both try to encourage her. 

Shiro’s been teaming Hunk and Pidge up more and more lately, leaving the three of them to work together for  _ far too much shit. _ Landa feels like she’s going to go out of her mind with it, but she just grits her teeth and accepts it. She’s learned that the faster she just goes with it and gets it all done, the faster she can get away from them again. If they have to get out of their Lions to do any kind of on-ground mission work, Landa keeps to herself, falling to the back as Shiro and Kath lead together. She speaks as little as necessary.

She knows she’s probably being immature, but she just  _ can’t _ with either of them right now. Not after being led on for months. Not after such a swift, sudden rejection so painful, so severe, it almost takes Landa to her knees each time she recalls the exact moment her heart broke. 

Oh, she did she fail to mention the months and months of flirting between  _ all three of them? _ Yeah. It was amazing while it lasted. Landa can’t quite remember what it feels like to be a common target for both Kath Kogane and Takako Shirogane, but she knows she was much happier than this. She was shocked and confused at first because, well, it’s  _ her, _ but she’d felt so elated that she didn’t even question it. She just rolled with each and every playful wink and inviting smirk, responding in kind.

When Shiro and Kath had announced they were together, Landa had felt pretty similar to how she felt now, but it was short-lived. The flirting never stopped, the affectionate, little touches never stopped, the  _ feelings _ never stopped. At least... _ her _ feelings never stopped.

She still doesn’t quite understand why they led her on so much, why they played this fucking game with her when they knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

They  _ had _ to have known how she felt. She is probably,  _ undoubtedly, _ the most obvious person in existence when it came to interest and love for other people. She’s never been afraid to let the objects of her affections know what’s up when it came to how much she wanted them. The others might groan and gripe about her flirting with aliens in the past, but at least she knew what she wanted. 

She guesses they have no reason to groan or gripe anymore because Landa is  _ done _ putting herself out there.

The kind, gentle rejections from alien to alien to alien had never hurt her. How could it when she didn’t even really know the person? Nyma was kind of a rough blow though. Looking back, she knows she shouldn’t have trusted so quickly, shouldn’t have allowed herself to get so lost in Nyma’s beauty that she forgot to check for suspicious quirks like being far too interested in her Lion and the fact that she carried handcuffs (for any other purpose but the bedroom). She’d been teased a lot for that one, but still...that was only, like, a  _ day _ of knowing a person.

Shiro and Kath...she’d known them back at the Garrison. She’s known them for  _ years, _ and after becoming Paladins, she’d gotten to know them rather intimately, and vice versa. There was a wealth of trust Landa held for both of them that now feels more like those bricks of trust-building moments are more precariously stacked on top of one another rather than the strong, foundational mental edifice she’d thought they had.

So yeah. Landa may seem immature for refusing to say a word outside of work to them, but for the sake of her broken heart, she just doesn’t care. Well, no. She cares a  _ lot. _ Way more than she should, but she refuses to let herself show it. 

You could argue that her complete avoidance of them is showing that she cares, but the alternative is much, much more painful, so fuck it. Avoidance it is.

\---

And then...Shiro’s gone. Just like that.

Landa doesn’t know exactly what the hell happened, but in the end, after they put the beatdown on the Galra and whooped Zarkon’s ass, their celebratory relief and happiness had been short lived. 

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), Kath and Landa had noticed the distinct absence of one particular voice amongst the cheering at the same time. They both shot off toward the black Lion, but of course Kath got there first what with her Lion’s speed and agility. When they checked inside, Shiro was just...missing. No visible clue left as to what happened. No signs of struggle. No blood. Nothing. She was there one minute and the next, vanished into thin air.

Strong, understanding, compassionate, warm, almost-perfect Shiro. Gone.

Things have been rough since then, rougher than Landa’s self-imposed isolation. Now, she can tentatively talk to Kath because she actually forces herself to do so, but the tension there between them is thicker than it ever has been before. Landa knows Kath partially blames Landa for Shiro’s disappearance by the way she side-eyes Landa, disgust and anger lining her eyes in Landa’s periphery. She knows Kath thinks that if only Landa had communicated better with their leader, then things would have been fine somehow. Butterfly effect or something like that. Landa knows the others sometimes look at her in disappointment too, like they believe it as well, and honestly, Landa shoulders the blame without a fight.

She shouldn’t have put so much strain on the team. She shouldn’t have let her personal feelings get in the way of their effectiveness on the field. Their effectiveness as a united front. Sure, they kicked ass, but Landa can’t help but feel nothing but regret when she thinks about all the things she never said to Shiro and now  _ can’t. _

In the last few weeks since then, Landa has learned to just accept the heartache as a part of her. They didn’t want her. They don’t want her. She doubts they ever will. She learns to make it a part of her, to use it as a source of strength when she needs to fight, to use it as a way to understand others who are feelings down and out, to use it as a touchstone for future heartbreak. Nothing,  _ nothing, _ could hurt this bad, but the importance of her pain seems insignificant to Shiro’s absence, to Kath’s grief.

Looking at Kath, zoned out, cleaning the same spot on her blade for twenty minutes straight, with her hair greasy and unkempt, with dark circles rimming her under eyes, with skin so pale she looks like she’s seen a ghost, with her ever-thinning body, Landa can only hope Shiro somehow makes it back to them, to  _ Kath, _ and soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are much appreciated! <3
> 
> Next up: f!Heith, "Comfort"


End file.
